As a young child when guests visited our home I would run and hide under my parent’s bed because it was the furthest away from our apartment door. Going under the bed gave me extra sense of security.
As time progressed i slowly made my way out and eventually joined the group like a scared little kitten. Later in life I would be with my friends and matched my behavior to how I thought they wanted me to be. Today I know that many teens share that experience (and many adults also). There was so much anxiety from trying to be cool and fit in. Whenever we went out as a group I was the quiet one. Many times I’d rather just stay home and be by myself. I lived in my head and created different worlds when I was by myself.
As time progressed and after taking many steps to shatter my robotic self I am happy to say that I have reached the category of having “Fuck You” friends. It’s a very special “fuck you”, it isn’t said often and when it is uttered its said with a smile in the eyes of the speaker and a chuckle on the receiving end. The “fuck you” is equivalent to “I love you”. I am so fortunate to have friends like this. They are an authentic and solid friendship.
I also have the straight out “love you” category of friends. They are at the same level of the “fuck you” friends just more mature.
Much love or fuck you,